THINGS I MUST REMEMBER AS A DOG
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
What is the difference between a dog and a cat?
A dog lives in your house and sees that you give it food and water and says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and water without my having to do anything. They must be gods!"
A cat lives in your house and sees that you give it food and water and says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and water without my having to do anything. I must be a god!"
- Make the world your playground.
- Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
a sock over it helps.
- If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard
until you do.
- When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
just to shut you up.
- Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
- Nap often.
- When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
- Life is hard, and then you nap.
- Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
- When in doubt, cop an attitude.
- Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy them.
- Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains
- Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
- Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the When you have something important to say, try to say
bed tells them, "I care."
it in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's
sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention